I read this from a friend the other day and felt it was too hilarious not to share out:
Tribalism aside, it goes without saying that everyone in this country likes making fun of Kikuyus especially the stereo-type God-father donning unromantic ones. To be a kikuyu is rather simple; at least language- wise.
To show you how, first, lets make language simple by ignoring all l’s from now on, ok?
Good. Next rets try to make hard words easier to pronounce by adding dragging vowers at the end from here on. Now, thingsi are gettingi easier now isnti iti? Wero, the nexti thingi to do isi to try andi add more vowerisi to the middroo of the difficulti wordsi. Like ‘nexti’ is difficulti to pronounci so iti becomesi nexiti.
Very very wero. Now we ara gettingi there sirowry buti surery. Here now comesi the harder parti. Very hardi wordsi shouldi be removedi entirery and replacedi with easier swahiri or Kikuyu onesi. ‘Haiya’. You see. Thingsi ara much easier now. Excepti the ‘ch’ probrem which we now changingi fromu ‘ch’ to ‘sh’.
After shangingi thati wanu, we removu ‘x’ fromu the alphabeti anda repraci iti with ‘th’. And some ofu the s’s too. Good. He he he. Ngai fafa. “Chrithmathi hasi come earry thisi year”. You see.
Nekithiti, we replaci ‘c’ withi ‘k’. ‘Come’ becomesi ‘kome’ buti the ‘o’ there isi a proburemu so we replasi orro o’s thati soundi liki a’s with a’ and orro a’s thati soundi like o’s withi o’s.
Nao, ‘come’ bekams easier to say. “Kamu here”. But here hasi ‘re’ ati the endi thati needsi to be replacedi withi ‘a’. “Kamu hea”. Thati isi beta!
Haya. Now “aterere” is ani attenshon casha, so wheni ekthipraining somuthingi, we starti with aterere for the seki ofu kirarity. Aterere isi now inisidi. Asi you cani see, iti isi very easy to bekamu a kikuyu.
Aterere, tero orro your rafikis who ara noti kikuyus to tirae thisi lessoni anda they wirro see kikuyu isi laiki ingirishi.
Am sure all Kikuyus are ‘lol’ by now